I don’t want this post to feel like a passive aggressive dig, because it’s not. I do however have a case of the feels. And the best way I have learned to understand my feels is to write about them, and sometimes take self portraits. So write and shoot about them I must.
I truly never imagined a day when I would feel apathetic about you.
As I prayed for something to remind me of what I had when I had you, I was at my wits end. I would have never been able to answer that prayer so wonderfully as God did for me. I was starting to believe that I might never find something like you and me. Instead I was lead to realize that what we had was one great illusion. You, sir, were the worlds greatest magic trick.
I want to say I hate you, but I don’t. I’m not even really that mad at you. I do however feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that after everything that I have let you see of me, your scope is so small. You’ve seen my every corner: ambition, anger, happiness, curiousness, flirtatiousness, elation, frustration, or when I’m feeling particularly existential. You’ve seen the mean and ugly; you’ve seen the works. Despite this you saw the only side of me that seemed mattered to you. And for that I feel sorry for you. I truly do. I know that I am so much more than what you cannot see beyond. I’m so so much more than that. I love the person I am. I like that I have an insatiable urge to give my love to those around me. I love that I have passion and ambition. I love that I take chances and risks. I love the things about me that I worked hard to become. I like them because I can control them. They are a part of me because I made them so. I would have thought of all people you would recognize the weight those parts of me carry in my general personhood. Your limited paradigm makes me a little sad.
Mostly I’m completely in shock of how, for the first time since I’ve known you, I no longer crave being around you. Because you just don’t get it. You never will.
And you know what?