because sometimes everything is just the worst.

image via instagram: @smilemepretty This weekend was one of a lot of ups and downs. Unfortunately mostly downs. but all the ups had to do with good people. The day after I got back from New York my body began to rebel against me. I have been sick as a dog all weekend, which as ruined all productive ideas of catching up. I sound like a baritone. I  talking to my mom yesterday who’s in town, and realized that when big, huge, scary changes happen, I don’t really react emotionally. At all. I find clarity quickly and think as rational as i can. But when little things pile up, thats the only time I might lose it. Saturday night was one of those moments. After hanging out with some great friends, I headed to my car, feeling my sick getting more poignant, I found my car had been booted. I […]

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a chronicle of my dating history that i found in my drafts.

— You were my first for a lot of things. You were the first boy to take an interest in me. I was 16, I had never felt pretty. I didn’t care that you had a girlfriend and you were hitting on me. I felt flattered that you broke things off with her for me. I felt sorry for her, but I was selfish. You were my first kiss, it was in a movie theater. you always told me that I kept my eyes open for it, I still don’t think I did.  you were also my first heartbreak. you broke up with me so you could party without a guilty conscious. I can’t remember how you broke up with me, but I remember arguing in the park. a lot of things you did hurt. you  inadvertently taught me how strong I could be through repeated heartbreak  — You were my […]

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Here’s to Growing Up.

hat: uo // dress: thrifted // tights: gap // shoes:ou It seems as though I am reminded every day that I am a ever changing, always evolving human being. Sometimes that change is not always for the best, but lately I have found a new confidence within it. I have started to internalize that to reach my potential in the talents I’ve been given takes work and often times divine intervention. I am reminded that being alone can be and for the most part is a blessing. There is lyric from Bright Eyes that says “when everything gets lonely, I can be my own best friend” and I’ve thought about how inherently beautiful that statement is. When everyone was gone this weekend i had so much fun spending time alone. I took myself on a few dates, watched a movie free of distractions, and got some crafting done. As much as I […]

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hardy har.

you know those days where every possible thing that could go wrong does? you know how after a certain point it all just seems comical? how your human nature to be imperfect decides to take over so much that you just can’t help but laugh at the sitcom nature of your situations? well that’s been my life the past week. thankful for friends like this human above to keep me sane or laugh maniacally along with me.

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Learning to Breath

There is no doubt the Lord knows me personally. On tuesday every little thing (and big thing) that could go wrong seemed to be doing just that. I felt like I just couldn’t get a handle on things and it just drained me. I ended up calling each of my parents broken and tearful trying to get a handle on things while simultaneously falling apart. By the time i got to my last class of the day i was so jaded and full of anxiety. It was then our professor told us about the Utah Chamber Artists and raved about it for a good 20 minutes. He then said that it was free, and there was a shuttle leaving during the last hour of class and if we wanted to go, culture experiences would take precedence over his class. Being moneyless and feelings totally uninspired I knew that I needed […]

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Today feels like film.

all photos taken on a Pentax ME // ilford hp5 plus This morning i set my alarm for fairly early, i had high hopes to curl my hair and perfect my “get-things-done” outfit and such. instead i woke up to something magical, and unfortunately i was too busy ingesting light to even think of documenting it. I woke up as the sun rose, and the blinds next to my window seemed to be glowing gold. Naturally, i opened them and peered out. As the sun rose, the sky was saturated with clouds full of rain and is diffused the sunrise throughout the entire sky. It was the most golden i have ever seen it. For a few moments i wondered if the clouds were on fire. I stared at the sky through groggy eyes before it slowly sung me to sleep again. when I awoke again the gold has dissipated […]

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A few thoughts that have little to do with eachother:

shirt: target(?) // belt, skirt & shoes: thrifted // if i’m being completely honest, i’m not a huge fan of the length of this skirt, it hits right at the biggest part of my calves, so it just makes my legs look like a load of “meh” but i love the pattern and the movement of it, so i couldn’t wait til after i hem it to wear it/show you. I have a habit of buying lots of skirts at thrift stores and then wearing them far less than i would like. // one of my best friends comes home from his mission this week, and he’s kinda the last of my good friends to return. I’m hoping that this year is as exciting as i am right now.  // there is something about heartbreak or pain that makes you feel emotions a little deeper. I’ve been writing poetry again, which […]

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its okay not to be perfect

I’ve been thinking of this self portrait all week, and now that it’s done I don’t think I can adequately express how content it makes me. It’s not so much because of how I look, but because it’s finally out of my mind and in front of me. This image has been haunting my thoughts, and it’s such a relief to have it out. I wanted to explore how beautiful I could feel with nothing to hide behind: left over make-up from the day before, natural hair, bare shoulders. Adolescence was tough on me, and by that I mean I was tough on me. I don’t think anyone really knew how much I always compared myself to others. I always tried to be the best at whatever I could so that people could focus on that and my thousands of flaws could be overlooked. It was incessant–it still is incessant. […]

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There must be a light through all this mist.

Faith has been at the forefront of my mind the past few weeks, more specifically faith in God, faith in patience, and faith in myself. As you may have gathered, recently I went through an unexpected break up. I had a time, a thankfully short time, where I was completely and seemingly hopelessly shattered. I blamed myself for a hot second, but quickly remembered that I had given all that I had to the relationship and it would be another one reluctantly abandoned, no matter how badly I wanted to fix it. I’ve seen a lot of quotes online that go along the lines of “if you wonder why a girl has walls, its because each brick was put there by another empty promise from a boy” or something like that. I keep thinking about that concept and how it applies to me.  It’s human nature to be uncomfortable with vulnerability. I mean, […]

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